Another de-clutter…

Hi,

I’m so bad at this! When I started this blog I was so adamant that I would really try and write at least a post a week… It’s been more than a month since my last post! I literally just have to laugh at myself at how pathetic this is! Like I said in my last post I’ve decided this blog will be just a way for me to vent and ‘de-clutter’ my brain. Reading my last post was really surreal being on the other side of exams and Summer. I got grades to be proud of in my mock exams. I got a really good grade in Maths which I’m really proud of as Maths is a toughy for me. There are a few grades I’m going to have to work on but I knew that going into the exams as all the content wasn’t given to us. Overall, I’m relatively happy with the grades I got and going into year 11 next year I’ve made a pledge to hunker down and get grades to be super proud of. Summer was fun! I had a walking holiday in Wales and we had great weather and I even got tan lines! I love holidays that are really chill and scenic as they calm me as I live in a bustling place at home. Being a ‘city girl’ in the countryside is super surreal. Everyone is so nice and welcoming and people will go out of their way to talk to you! If you did that on the street where I live you’d be given weird looks and uncomfortable silence! I also LOVE the welsh accent! Irish and Welsh are my two favourite accents now they’re just so smooth and friendly. Nothing like mine!

I’ve got just under two weeks left of the Summer holidays and then I’m back at school with GCSE’s looming. I’ve sorted out all my new stuff. Bought a new blazer that just about drowns me and a new tie as my other one lost its colour I washed it so much! Bought all my stationary – which is the best bit, of course – and put it in my pockets of my blazer! I used to have a pencil case but it gets a bit of pain having to take it out of your bag every lesson. Also, my school doesn’t have lockers so I try to keep the minimum amount of things in my backpack as – especially to PE days – it gets so so heavy!

It was pouring it down with rain earlier with thunder added to that but it has finally stopped but now everything looks a bit damp! The end of Summer to me makes me instantly think of Halloween, Guy Fawkes night and Christmas. Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year with the coldness and the overall happiness that everyone has. When I’m sad I listen to Christmas songs and it always perks me up, especially old-fashioned songs with Frank Sinatra and such. I just love it!

That’s it I think! Hope whoever you are, wherever you are you’re doing good! x

Signing off…

much! i

De-cluttering my brain

Hello,

I don’t really know what this blog post is going to be about but i just wanted to sit and talk. I haven’t written this blog in so long I’ve kinda forgotten why I started it in the first place so I might re-vamp the look of it…if I get round to it that is!

It seems my life – this whole academic year – has just been such a blur! It’s been mock exam after mock exam and of top of those there have been LOADS of mid-units. I’ve finally gotten used to this type of learning where every week and a half or so you’re tested on how much you’ve learnt and I do see the benefits of it. It shows me what I need to work on and what I just can’t face. I’m getting my mock results next week sometime…I think it’s Monday. I am nervous for it and I know they’re only mocks but I still care WAY too much. These are the first real GCSE exams I’ve sat in a GCSE environment so I have to cut myself some slack if I don’t do as well as I think I should. I have to remind myself that you’re not going to be good at everything first time and that’s okay. It’s only human. As long as I get a B or above in every subject I will be happy. I know that probably won’t be possible for Maths as currently I’m working at a low C grade but I need to remind myself at the beginning of this academic year I was just scraping a D in Maths so I have improved…just not a lot.

On a completely other note I am so looking forward to Summer. Now I’m going to admit, I don’t like Summer. I pretty much hate any hot weather. Summer is the time for body insecurity, getting my EXTREMELY pale legs out and having to try to find the perfect shorts! (I still haven’t found them yet!) But this year I have found I have
been way more accepting about my body. I’m not saying I look at it and think DAYYUUMM GURRL YOU LOOK FINE! But I look at it and no longer think there’s no way I can look good in shorts. I’ve started buying and trying out different brands of fake tan. Some have been BIG mistakes while others I’ve been pleasantly surprised about! This weekend I’m going out to buy the ‘Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs’ and I’m quite excited to try it! I’ve watched loads of YouTube videos about the best ways to apply and have been really impressed with the way it looks! It’s supposed to even out your leg skin tone, remove any blemishes or scars and give them a light tan. That is exactly what I want so if I really like it I will probably be raving about it soon on this blog. Like I said before, I really don’t know where this blog is going, I might just do anything and everything the sky being the limit and all!

The other thing I’d like to mention is I’m so excited for Zoella’s new beauty range and I just have to try them out! I can’t wait to smell them and something tells me they will smell kinda Soap and Glory-esck (if I’m making any sense there! )

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say now. This can actually be so useful at getting all the noise out of my head! If you’re still reading this thanks for getting this far! *virtual scented sticker given*

Signing off…

Songs that have shaped me

I thought that I would make a list of songs that have completely changed my life. I know it’s corny but I feel I need to express my gratitude to these amazing singers and songwriters. I will first give the Artist’s name, then the title of the song and then my favourite lyric.

And so it begins…

 

Ed Sheeran-

Bloodstream – ‘I saw scars upon a broken-hearted lover.’

Shirtsleeves – ‘I’m drowning in the oceans you’ve made.’

Even my Dad does sometimes – ‘It’s alright to cry, even my Dad does sometimes’.

Sunburn – ‘You scared and left me like a sunburn.’

Give me love – ‘Paint splattered tear drops’.

 

Taylor Swift-

I know places – ‘They are hunters, we are the foxes and we run’.

Clean – ‘Still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore’.  ‘When the flowers we had grown together died of thirst’.

White Horse – ‘There in my rear-view mirror, disappearing now.’

Sad beautiful tragic – ‘Time is taking its sweet time erasing you.’

The lucky one – ‘Young things lined up to take your place.’

 

Fall Out Boy-

My song’s know what you did in the dark – ‘My childhood spat out the monster that you see’.

Save Rock and Roll – ‘Only came here to save Rock and Roll’.

Just one yesterday – ‘Anything you say can and will be held against you’.

Centuries – ‘You’re my cherry blossom, you’re about to bloom, you look so pretty but you’re gone so soon.’

 

Lorde-

Yellow Flicker Beat – ‘They used to shout my name, now they whisper it’.

 

Cat Power-

Sea of Love – ‘I want to tell you, how much I love you’.

 

Eminem and Sia-

Guts over fear – ‘No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught’.   ‘And it just breaks my heart to look at all the pain I’ve caused.’

 

Hozier-

Take me to Church – ‘She’s the giggle at a funeral.’

 

George Ezra-

Did you hear the rain?– ‘Lucifer’s inside.’

 

Bring me the Horizon-

Empire (let them sing) – ‘Surrounded by vicious cycles.’  ‘They came like moths to a flame’.

 

You me at Six-

Crash – ‘A meaningless routine. It’s meaningless to me’.

 

Brand New-

The boy who blocked his own shot –  ‘Holding onto your grudge.’   ‘You can’t keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.’     ‘At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught’.

 

Sia-

Chandelier – ‘I’m going to swing from the chandelier.’

 

Kodaline-

All I want – ‘But if you loved me, why’d you leave me?’

 

Les Miserables-

Empty chairs at empty tables – ‘ Oh my friends, my friends, forgive me, that I live and you are gone’.

 

Real Friends-

Hebron – ‘I was dead weight, pulling you down.’

I’ve given up on you – ‘It still hurts to know you’re not alone.’

 

Jack White-

Love is blindness – ‘Wrap the night around me’.       ‘Too numb to feel.’

 

Dr Dre, Eminem and Skylar Grey

I need a doctor – ‘I owe my life to you.’      ‘ I don’t think you realize what you mean to me.’       I can endure no more I demand you remember who you are.’        ‘It was YOU, who believed in me.’         ‘You saved my life, now maybe it’s my turn to save yours.’

 

Eminem-

Kim – ‘I hate you, I hate you, I swear to God I hate you…Oh my God I love you’.    ‘You were supposed to love me’.

 

Awolnation-

Sail – ‘Maybe I’m a different breed’.  

 

Eminem and Nate Ruess-

Headlights – ‘Mum, I know I let you down.’

 

Miley Cyrus and French Montana-

FU – ‘I’ve got two letters for you.’

 

Lady Gaga-

Gypsy – ‘I left everyone I love at home’.

 

Linkin Park-

Numb – ‘Tired of being what you want me to be.’        ‘Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?!’

 

James Arthur-

Recovery – ‘Like rain on a Monday morning’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking at who’s pointing the finger…

Hi everyone,

*turns down George Ezra’s new album*

I have just been watching the new Victoria’s Secret model catwalk that aired this year (2014). In my YouTube suggestions box I see loads of short clips of women talking about how the models are portrayed and what their aims are and where their morals lie. Obviously, I dive into the rabbit hole (I’m a sucker for reality shows…I know…) and I tell you, I was a little overwhelmed. Understatement of the year, well done Lotts, I was stunned at what I found.

Victoria's Secret Models HD wallpaper for Wide 16:10 5:3 Widescreen WHXGA WQXGA WUXGA WXGA WGA ; HD 16:9 High Definition WQHD QWXGA 1080p 900p 720p QHD nHD ; Other 3:2 DVGA HVGA HQVGA devices ( Apple PowerBook G4 iPhone 4 3G 3GS iPod Touch ) ; Mobile WVGA iPhone PSP - WVGA WQVGA Smartphone ( HTC Samsung Sony Ericsson LG Vertu MIO ) HVGA Smartphone ( Apple iPhone iPod BlackBerry HTC Samsung Nokia ) Sony PSP Zune HD Zen ; Dual 4:3 5:4 16:10 5:3 16:9 UXGA XGA SVGA QSXGA SXGA WHXGA WQXGA WUXGA WXGA WGA WQHD QWXGA 1080p 900p 720p QHD nHD ;

Now these are the Victoria’s Secret models so, of course, they are going to be the skinniest girls you have EVER SEEN. I have seen starving children with more fat of them. Surely being this skinny is going to far. When you look at them, really look at them, you start to notice things, rib cages on show and chest bones protruding out from under their necks. To me, they don’t look healthy, they look undernourished and not desirable. I know I am a girl so, as I don’t look at them sexually, I can’t say if they are attractive but I think that society and the eyes of the media have distorted the image of beauty. If beauty is about having the widest thigh gap and looking like I haven’t eaten in a week then, I’m sorry, but I don’t part-take. You’re just following the orders of the media. We are supposed to be free to do whatever we want! Yet we seem to constantly follow rules from people we don’t even know!

Now I know that if you are in the media’s eye, if you have luckily (or unluckily, depending on perspective) taken centre stage in front of the whole world of course you are going to get…feedback. I’ll call it feedback. But when it gets to a certain extent where you can see the person you are giving ‘feedback’ to is being affected by it THEN YOU STOP.

Countless celebrities have been the targets of this unnecessary ‘feedback’ and I know that in my short life I have only touched the surface of it but I just don’t understand.

Jennifer Lawrence is considered ‘a fat actress’ in Hollywood standards this due to the fact she speaks openly about eating burgers and McDonalds and gorging. She has repeatedly said that she would never lose weight for a role and that she is comfortable the way she looks. I’m sorry but I don’t understand Hollywood and, I admit, I’m relieved I don’t live in that kind of society where first glances determine someone’s worth and if they’re to be accepted.

You can see in this picture of Jennifer Lawrence herself that on the left is what she actually looks like. Healthy and curvy and, in my standards, a slim, petite woman. Now to the right is the same picture, only it’s edited. They have slimmed her neck, narrowed her hips and legs, reshaped her stomach and changed the shape of her shoulders and arms. They have also managed to CHANGE THE SHAPE OF HER FACE! No wonder no one can be societies version of ‘perfect’ as you will always be edited in some odd way.

Jennifer has opened up to this picture and said that she was disgusted. She told a reporter ‘I eat like a caveman. I’ll be the only actress who doesn’t have anorexia rumours.’

However, Miss Jennifer is not the only one. ( blurts Sam Smith’s I know I’m not the only one…No, okay…)

Hundreds of women have been affected by the words of media and being in the public eye. However the sheer progression has been shown on a few. Beautiful women like Lindsey Lohan, the Olsen twins and Amanda Bynes. All these women were in the public eye as being ‘hot’ or ‘fit’ and they felt they had to live up to the title.

I feel that, maybe, celebrities go down this very narrow road of self-harm as it’s the only thing in their lives that they can control. They can’t control what goes on around them so they turn inwards and work on their appearance as without that they feel they have nothing. And if the eyes of the public don’t notice they’ll work harder.

Women should not been seen as sex objects but saying that changes nothing. But I hope I’m at least a tiny ripple in the pond as ripples can only spread.  I know there is always going to be attraction to good looking people as that’s just the human race and our weird hormones. But when it gets to the extent where the women feel that they need to live up to these impossible standards that’s when it needs to stop. There’s always a time that we need to fall apart, and I think that’s a good thing. We’re always going to have off-days. Days where we look a little less than glamorous but we’re only human. It’s natural to have a bad day. If you haven’t experienced one or experienced something that had angered you or put you in a bad mood than where is your emotion. Humans rely upon it heavily to show how they are feeling. And sometimes we don’t always feel great and this should be expressed.  I believe that bottling up feelings only hurts yourself. Expression and emotion are the only thing human’s have that differentiates us from a rock! We need to be open and understand that words hurt. Comments that you don’t even think about can change a person. Making them see themselves as this kind of monster, constantly running from something but having no idea what that something is.

 

On completely another note I am going to try and do a blog post a week. Now I’m not promising anything as I have severe commitment issues but still, I will try! I hope, wherever you are in the world you have had a good day but if not there is always tomorrow. A fresh start.

Signing off…

 

 

Shattered hopes.

Before you begin reading this story I would like to point out that this is in fact fiction. This is a story I made up for my advanced History class as we were learning about the Hitler Youth. Although based on the truth, I understand that this may be one-sided to some people. I do not wish to offend anyone. Thank you. 

I sit here, motionless. Oblivious to the bullets flying round me. I look down to see my shaking hands, they are covered in blood. Stuck in my nails and in the creases on my skin, smothering me. I panic, I don’t even know who’s blood this is. I start frantically rubbing at my hands trying to forget all the faces of the dead. The rubbing is not helping, it’s just spreading it further up my arms. I stop, breathless. Tears start streaming down my face, this isn’t what I thought it would be. I will never look at the Nazi’s in the same way. The terrible things that they’re doing to people. I remember the camps and the smell and the tears and the screams. I start breathing heavy and throw up all down myself. I can’t seem to keep anything down. I try and wipe it off my shirt but it’s just smearing. I cry out in disbelief. I’m dirty, tired and I just want to go home. I make myself as small as possible and hold my shaking knees against my chest. It’s getting cold and I’m all alone. I close my eyes and think about home and how I envy the oblivion I used to live in.

I wake up to find myself in my old bed. My duvet hugs me with its warmth and security. Have my prayers been answered? Am I home? Unwillingly, I get up out of bed and cross my room to find my clothes nicely folded awaiting me. Confused, I put them on and gallop down the stairs. That’s when I smell it. The smell of freshly baked bread and frying bacon. My mouth instantly fills with saliva. I walk into our tiny kitchen to see my Mother dancing and singing round the cooker. I laugh and walk forward. She notices me and turns around, “And what do you think you’re laughing at!” Mother says, giggling. She motions for me to sit down at our dented wooden table and hands me a plate piled high with food. “What’s the occasion?” I ask but Mother just smiles. I can’t hold on any longer for her to answer so I wolf it down. It tastes so good, the oil from the bacon seeping into the bread. I savour the last bite and then drink a whole glass of milk. “You better go now or you’ll be late for school!” Mother exclaims. I stand up and walk over to her. I give her a huge hug and when she comes down to my level I whisper in her ear  “I love you.” Tears are in her eyes and she gives me a meaningful cuddle. I straighten my uniform and open the front door. One last smile and I step out, closing the door behind me. I gasp as I turn around, to my surprise my friend is waiting for me at the gate, like he used to. I run down the path towards him with a huge grin on my face. “You alright Erik” Daniel says. I smile and nod. We were sent to be spies for the Nazi’s together. I remember the conversation we had on the train about how when we returned all the girls would want to marry us. Two months later I watched him die. How was here now? Was that just a bad dream? Were all those tears wasted? We walk to school together, just like old times. I keep looking at him and looking around for the bullet hole which killed him but he looks so healthy, so I stop and just enjoy this moment of pure bliss.

I’m sitting in my maths class, in my usual seat next to the heater. I look around the room at all the smiling faces. There’s Nazi flags hanging on the walls and mini posters on every desk. Don’t they realise the monstrosities they are? They are supporting Hitler, the person who’s burning people alive. Destroying families, homes and hopes. We get given some work to do on the board. I read it through and tears well in my eyes. The question is manipulating children to justify why we aren’t supposed to like disabled people and how they aren’t worthy of the money they get given. I sit there in stunned silence. The anger in me gets bigger and bigger until I can’t control it any longer. I jump up, my seat clashing down on the wooden floor. “This question and this country is an abomination. Don’t you see that Hitler and the Nazi’s are trying to manipulate us?! Trying to justify the unspeakable things that do! We are all a disgrace to God.” Everyone in the room is staring at me, their mouths open in shock. Even Daniel is shaking his head. Have I gone too far? I just wanted  them to know that the Nazi’s aren’t something to celebrate and wave flags for. I look at the teacher, trying to read her expression but realise she doesn’t have one. She looks down as if ashamed and asks me to get my stuff and leave. I grab my bag and run for the door. As I open it there is a Nazi soldier standing in front of me. His face looks like stone, his jaw clenched. He grabs his gun and before I know what he is doing. BANG! I stumble back, clutching my stomach. Bloods pouring out, I can taste it in my mouth. I hear screams as I drop to my knees. He salutes and screams, “ALL HAIL HITLER!”

I wake up with a start, shivering, in a cold sweat. It was a dream. Daniel’s dead. Mum’s gone. I’m all alone and I have no one. No one to comfort me. I’m so thirsty. Wait a second, I can see a bottle of something on the top of the hill. I stumble to my feet, dizziness over comes me. I start to walk towards it. My eyes are blurry. I rub them and look again, I still can’t make out what it is. I reach the top the hill and bend down to retrieve it. Maybe God is on my side, maybe he put it there to remind me I’m not alone. I pick it up and rub the mud off. It’s a bomb.  BANG.

Eleanor and Park

Eleanor and Park.

I can’t believe how in love I am of this story! I’m actually obsessed with it 🙂

Now, I bought this book after scouring over Amazon, looking for a couple of summer reads. I’m not gonna lie, the only reason I bought it was because it has a good write up by the man himself, Mr John Green. The blurb doesn’t give this book any justice and without the recommendation I would not have bothered with it.

Thank goodness I have! The book is a simple love story and yet the book is not simple at all. It’s written in a way I can only describe as ‘teenage talk’. The characters are complex and yet have the same emotions any teenager would have when starting to have their first crush and boyfriend/girlfriend.  The chapters are split into sections between the girl’s point and view and the boy’s point of view. They are completely different – almost polar opposites- and yet their relationship develops in a way that is so real, so innocent, so magical that you know it’s love. It’s not full of the ‘love at first sight’ rubbish but shows the real way that people tend to get to know each other. The writing is beautiful and the story doesn’t get boring at any stage. The characters feel emotions that you might have felt in your life and this makes them more relatable and easier to love and care for. Also, the characters flaws are instantly shown and they don’t waltz around with their perfect hair and flawless face. They are down to Earth characters and this makes them easier to love. This is because no one likes perfection, it cannot be obtained and using characters that are, apparently, ‘perfect’ just divides the readers with the characters, making for a rubbish read with you, as the reader, getting nothing out of it.  I believe this story is written from experience just from the sheer brutality of pureness and faultlessness of the piece of writing.

The book is beautifully written and, although I have yet to finish the story, I will definitely be looking into the writer and seeing if he or she has produced anymore stories. I would strongly suggests for you to buy this book, even if you are male. It is the sort of book that both sexes can relate to and find a good read.

Information about the book

Title : Eleanor and Park

Author : Rainbow Rowell

Review from John Green (writer of The Fault In Our Stars) :

‘Reminded me not just what it’s like to be young and in love with a girl, but also what it’s like to be young and in love with a book’.

exam stress

I’m sitting here after finishing twelve sheets of revision for an exam I have on Friday the 13th of June. (Yeah I know, unlucky or what!) I’m trying desperately to remember all I wrote and all I have learned but finding it increasingly difficult.

Everyone has a different method of revising, the lucky ones have photographic memory and just seem to be able to remember things easily. This, unfortunately, I am not. I find it difficult to remember things and I am the sort of learner who needs colour to enhance their revision notes. Procrastination is my one down fall. What I am doing now is procrastination. Instead of pouring over the pages I have just written I’m blogging. Yes- this will enhance my English- but this is not the subject I am revising for. (For anyone wondering I am revising for DT: product design) This subject is extremely difficult to revise for. Not only do you have to learn EVERYTHING about this type of design technology but I have no clue what the exam will contain.Image

This leads me on to my next point. I am pretty much a pessimist in almost everything, so knowing that 95% of the things I’m revising for wont even come up on the exam irritates me. It seems that exams aren’t a true representation of our learning and more about who can remember the most. I wouldn’t say my memory was appalling but it’s not the greatest. Examiners have no idea the stress students have in exams like this!

Also, I feel I need to live up to the expectations of not just the teachers, but my classmates as well. They think I’m stupid for stressing about the exam because they think I can just magic up an A but these types of exams are really hard. I have already done my mock exam in this and I got a B (four marks of an A) which I was pleased about, partly because I gained something knowing I could do it, and partly because I forgot to revise until the week before. When telling my friends this they basically said, told you so. I had enough knowledge to remember what was needed in the exam but that doesn’t mean it can happen again.

The exam that I am taking is worth 40% of my final grade. The other 60% was coursework. In my coursework I needed to make a functioning radio from scratch. This, I can tell you, gave me sleepless nights and I literally had dreams about it. Long story short after going after school- every day for four months – and coming in on the holidays, I completed it and got an A. Now, I was over the moon with this and I felt I truly deserved that A after all the nights I had spent on it. But now knowing about that A I got, I know if I screw up on my exam it will lower my final grade. All that effort would be for nothing.

I hope I get the grade I want, and think I deserve, but I need to revise. Hard. These twelve pages won’t read themselves so that is what I will have to do. Sometimes it just feels like there is no break from it all.